Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
