thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
