I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She's like a pop up book from hell.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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