i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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