life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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