She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
