oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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