the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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