doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He felt like a one man threesome
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
