The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
