Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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