Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
