maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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