Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
