walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
sarcasm needs its own font
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
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