you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we have pet lesbian snakes
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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