there's paper in my vomit.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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