i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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