Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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