Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
