Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you will always have a special place in my vag
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
