look no pants
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
