new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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