You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
