he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.