I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
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You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
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More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine