My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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