Already got asked if we're dating
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
