You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
