Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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