Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
