It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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