woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
