shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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