They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
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Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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