i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
