On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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