If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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