just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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