No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
