did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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