this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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