i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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