I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
