non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
