I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
