I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she told me i tasted like america
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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