All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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