my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
