he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
two words: eviction party
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
