It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
