I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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