Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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