We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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