I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
