She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
