the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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