Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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