You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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