Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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