Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
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If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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