i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
