I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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