6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize